Saying farewell to 2015 and hello to 2016, I am reminded of the popular words by Hunter S. Thompson in “The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967,”
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
“Totally worn out” was the only part of life’s journey I recognized. So this year I pedaled my tricycle as furiously as I could searching for what would make me skid in broadside to the grave knowing I’d thoroughly used up every gift and talent I possessed.
Why a tricycle?
It’s such a bright and happy symbol of laughter, freedom, and seeing the world through the eyes of a child. Fresh. Curious. Fearless.
Untainted by other people’s expectations, views, demands and values.
Wheeling over the driveway and onto the sidewalk ready to explore and choose my path with eyes wide open, a willing heart and a backpack chocked full of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, apples and a thermos of chocolate milk – 2015 was the year of questioning.
Children will persistently ask “Why?” much to an adult’s mind-boggling distraction.
Why puts us into a loop of eternal questioning. Asking how or what will let the brain figure out solutions.
So I could examine, then determine what I wanted to consciously believe, I asked:
- “If I could start all over, become a child again, with all the influences I get to chose, what would my life be like and look like?”
- “What beliefs block me from accepting that I get to make my own choices and my choices are valued?
- “What beliefs block me from fully loving, accepting and valuing myself?”
- “What made me believe that God hates me and is mad at me?”
- “What do I choose to believe?”
- “What do I chose to be?”
Often times an immediate answer was “I don’t know.” Remembering the child on the tricycle, I persisted in asking and never let up.
I have no regrets over spending time and energy on daily morning and evening prayer, meditation, mirror work, chakra work and homework from the therapist as I peeled back layers and layers of beliefs.
Like the child on the tricycle that veers off path, scraping knuckles and skinning knees, I cried, saw where I made less than life-enhancing choices, decided I could do better and pushed on refusing to give up my adventure.
In order to heal, I had to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. And recognize when I was resisting being uncomfortable and letting the more familiar anxiety lead the way.
2015 started with gritted teeth, sobbing prayers of “Please God, give me the strength, courage and wisdom to get through this day.”
2015 is ending with smiles and excited prayers of “Thank you God, for showing me who you really are, that you are Love. Thank you for teaching me to love myself and heal my mind and thoughts. Thank you for teaching me that I get to choose my beliefs and no one, not even you can or will take that away from me. Thank you for helping me understand that you don’t hate me and aren’t mad at me, those obstructions came from listening to other people’s views. Thank you for unblocking my ability to accept my highest good and absorb the meaning of gratitude, grace, love, joy and peace. Thank you for an awesome day!”
May you too look back on 2015 with gratitude for people you love, grace and blessings received (even when they weren’t pleasurable), lessons learned even if they hurt and pursuing your dreams of what would make you skid in broadside to the grave.
That’s me, waving at you as we pass by on our tricycles heading to new adventures in 2016 with no regrets. I have a spare PB&J; let me know if you need it.
© 2013 – 2015 Susan C. Fix All Rights Reserved
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The author of this blog does not presume to offer psychological therapy nor advocates the use of any technique for the treatment of any specific or traumatic psychological condition without the approval and guidance of a qualified psychotherapist. The writer’s intent is to convey personal experience in the hope it may be of help in others’ personal quests for mind, body and spirit improvement. If you use any of the information as a form of self-therapy, the author / writer assumes no responsibility or liability for your actions.